Recently I went back to work, I love my job. Not the money maker you'd think since I just said I love my job, but I do. I work with great people we have some pretty amazing customers. I love that my job works with my home life, that I'm able to be a mom and work too. I am currently on my nightshift and I have followed that white rabbit that pops up. Damn that Alice, am I right? I've been through a bunch of crud in my life and I don't talk about it much. But, tonight I'm going to because like the past has a tendency to do, it's popped up in my head. My family and I recently bought our first home. And so we're in a new place until our land is ready to move. So like a responsible momma I checked the sex offender list and thankfully no one in our back yard! Well I just ended up going over the ones that were in our county and the counties were so close to. Then I was wondering if my monster from my past was registered. So I looked it up. And I'll be, he was. Still burns my blood knowing he only spent 10 DAYS in jail. All because he took a plea. 10 freaking days after what he did to me. And I, 15 years freaking later, am still in partial prison. Don't get me wrong I have grown and I have delt with it. But damnit the he'll I've gone through just to heal. And no matter what I do I'm not completely healed. I still run into the scum bag which takes my breath away every time and makes my hands tremble no matter how strong I am, he still bothers me. I still get flash backs, I still have panic attacks with certain smells, feelings, the way someone touches me. I won't lie, for a few years because of everything I've been through, I lost myself. I drank to handle my pain. And tequila and I got real close, she sure made me feel, well numb. I got to feel numb. The best part was I wasn't feeling. So I thought. But I'm nearly a year sober, and have realized, that bottle didn't help nothing. It amplified my pain and my anger and it caused me to hurt those who loved me, and those who hadn't hurt me. But luckily, I got my shit together and I don't ever plan on looking back. But tonight is a night that causes me to struggle because I followed that white rabbit... but luckily, I'm sober and instead of blowing up and having to wake up to chaos and consequences, I'm here. Writing, sharing my thoughts with anyone willing to read.